Joseph Campbell kept me awake last night. He was rummaging around for hours, grabbing at ideas, reactions, hopes, and visions in my brain.
He has quite a few good quotes here:
The one that was bugging me was this:
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.
This one gets no argument from me. I know I need to let go of the picket fence/nuclear family around the Christmas tree/Dad in the house etc. dream for my kids. This quote is not new-news.
So if I believe it, why is it so hard? Where is the recipe? The mantra for acceptance? Why aren’t there 10 easy steps to accomplish the purge to make space for my lovely life with my 2 excellent kids, fun ski trips on weekends with friends, career in my favorite field of science, and lovely friendships with amazing women? I wanted all of that too when I was 17 and planning my life out.
That was the 3 am issue- sad greiving, angst, and whimpering that I have not purged old dreams and therefore I am often unavailable for today’s gifts.
If you are looking for answers for how to purge, I have none. All I have is hope and wish and prayer.
I have a big God and therefore only small problems, right?! I said that a few blogs ago. It is really annoying to write blogs that I don’t learn from… https://3leggedtable.wordpress.com/2010/05/16/now-is-totally-awesome-be-here/
I wrote about this blog back in May, and I am ready to be here and now to enjoy what is here and give up the old notions of what my life was “supposed to be like”. God, if you could help me learn a little quicker, that would be great!
I want so much more than a promise from the Bible at 3 am (in bed alone wondering what the Hell I am up to) at 5 pm (after school pickup with kids and their awesome accomplishments that I want to tell their Dad about), and at 8:30 pm (at bedtime when I am so exhausted I cannot see straight and need an ear and a hug to keep on going).
God, help me now to enjoy today, this lovely space of gifts for my kids and I. Help me to drop the illusions and outdated dreams. Give me guidance towards joy and gratitude today.
The resolve: One day at a time I can do this prayer, every morning or every hour. Life is more than good right now.
Feel sorry for an adventurer in the forest of souls? NEVER. You are like a glamorous, American version of an Austen heroine…which means Mr. Darcy is right around the corner! Have you seen the BBC TV serialization starring Colin Firth? He takes his shirt off and dives into a pond. Fantastic. They have it at the library.
Well, I knew there was a reason to renew my library card!!! Thanks B : )
On the ski lift, on the same mountain as you, in all that white and green, I said just about the same thing: “I want to love life as it is.” I know what you mean about being partnered: that ache is primal. Look up Joseph Campbell on the beloved. The divine beloved. Is it true that there is a “one” who calls out to us, that it is in us, of us, for us: to meet? Even that I sometimes think I have to let go of. But how? How to let go and not feel dull as four day old mango ice-cream, left in the freezer with the lid off? Hmm. I was, today, an Indian person skiing (poorly — unable to adapt to longer skiis than I was used to — got freaked out on Bluebell at one point, on the Mary Jane side) — so perhaps frost-covered mango is apt. Thanks for blogging, Anne! It makes our lives feel less moronic. Mine, anyway.
Yes, B. A primal ache. If you are freezer burnt mango, then i will be chocolate caramel swirl ripple. Will look up Joseph Campbell on divine beloved. You know we are already divinely beloved with or without.
(Sorry abt Bluebell! I will go with you on that one next time we venture into the trees and snow)
Another reply from me about the posts: these are my middle of the night fears and frustrations. I know that a partner for me or a dad for my kids does not guarantee happiness. I am happy and a confident woman, who happens to like to write about emotional topics for other single parents to read and relate to. I hope you feel empowered by my blogs, not sorry for me. I want to share heartfelt inspiration, not desperation. And I try to throw some humor in too so that you know it is not all that serious.