I don’t know any other title to use, and I want to be sure to cut out the riff-raff that will be disturbed reading this anyway. I am not in a good place, but I am in such a better place than I was a week ago, or 2 weeks ago. So that is progress, right?
The dishes are done, the trash is not gone, but collected in the corner, anyway. The Christmas ornaments are on their way to the basement, slowly but surely. And I am glad to have lived through this holiday. Please don’t tell my kids this, because they think it was great. But it sucked for me. I have done my best to show up for everyone the way that they needed me to, and I have also been taking care not to ruin relationships with my bad moods. This is my 7th Christmas since my divorce, and no easier to get through.
It is the 1st of January, and I want new things for this year. It was a brutal year of hard lessons and really quite exhausting.
Three times I entered into relationships in 2011, with hopes and dreams of a partnership for my heart. The last one died yesterday- the one with CG that I had so much hope for, and treated with so much more trust and faith than any other. Well guess what- he was seeing someone else the whole time! So just as I was getting ready to trust him, share more of me, and ready to take the next step, the rug got pulled out from under me. I am struggling to learn the lesson- it sure seems like I really have no business in relationships, because I am so naive.
My son entered high school and all the temptations that go with it. He and I are really struggling with this new influence on his life. I can’t keep up with all the checking and talking and freedoms and consequences that I am in charge of for this young man whom I love very much and have a limited influence on now.
I bought my own house and moved. I didn’t realize what a grueling process it would be. I am not sure if I would have done it if I had known. No movers, just friends, and our teenage kids really aren’t’ as helpful as we would like to think they are (just check the bathroom floor, the kitchen sink, the laundry piled up, etc.). So the move in November really highlighted that It Really Is Just Me steering this ship of single parenting my 2 kids full time. I am still exhausted, and only unpacking 1 box every now and then.
My parents and sister visited for Christmas. They had their own agendas, none of which involved asking what me or my kids wanted to do. I was the human chew toy. Every time I walked in the door there was a request for me to pay attention to someone. I would be in the middle of fixing the TV when someone would request I show them how to turn on the computer, or clean out my garage with them. My sister stayed too long- 2 weeks! I was terrified that I would say something that I was thinking and ruin our relationship for good. My mom came and did the cooking and dishes for 5 days and that was heavenly.
I really have not felt this lonely in a very long time. I know I need to reach out to friends, try the things that I enjoy again, go running, read some inspirational books, do some service work, pray, and ask for help. But brushing my teeth is a major struggle this weekend. The bottom line is feeling unlovable, despite being surrounded by people who are supposed to love me for the week. The solution to that is to love myself- if I cannot love me, then no one else can either. I am trying…
2012 will be better, right?