The Moth got Taken in, but She is in Recovery Now

That sweater dress may have been a really bad idea. Goober ended up contacting me, complimenting me (my weakness), and we had a beer to talk over the status of our relationship. I clearly told him I only date one person at a time, and was not interested in dating him if he was dating someone else. “I don’t share” I clearly said about 3 times. He told me he didn’t want to date more than one person either, and really wanted to date me. I told him I want exclusive, he mumbled “yes”, and off we went, having an awesome time with each other… For a very nice 4 weeks. I asked him yesterday early morning “What are we doing this weekend? Wanna ski?”, and he said he is going out of town (do you hear the bells in the distance? see a little flag on the horizon?).

I asked “Where?” thinking maybe (hopefully) he was going on a ski trip with buddies. He said “Getting out of Dodge”. I asked “With who?”. “A friend”. I flew out of his bedroom, down the stairs, and into my shoes practically flapping my arms as I gathered my purse and coat. Alarms were ringing everywhere. He asked if I wanted coffee, why was I leaving so fast? (I don’t drink coffee, WTH is he thinking?) My hand on the doorknob, I turned to him and asked “Is it a friend, or a friend-friend?” (I had no idea what that distinction was, or which answer was correct) He said ” A friend”. By now, bells are clanging inSIDE my head, panic is in my mouth, and I ran out of the house, into my car and out of his driveway as fast as I could get out of there… What would you have done?

I called him from my car and was able to calmly and clearly confirm that he was going out of town with a woman, that he had misled me, he knew what I wanted and expected, and yet was confused, and and and. I clearly told him that dating more than one person is confusing to me, and dating someone who is dating more than one person at a time confuses me. I clearly told him how happy I was that he had not spent any more time with my children, as they and I clearly thought we had more going on than we did. I explained that raising my 2 teenagers alone and doing my job takes enough energy that I am not interested in adding in any confusing or jealous energy to that equation. “So it doesn’t have to be completely over, we can still be friends” he tried to convince me. I admitted that I had only slept about 2 hours the night before and probably should not make any decisions about that. Then I said “I will let you go now” and said goodbye. 15 minutes is what my cell phone said about our conversation.

I keep expecting to feel awful and rejected. But I also keep reminding myself that I made this choice, that I wasn’t being rejected, and that I broke things off with him. Mary pointed out that I made this healthy choice for me, and now I am ready to accept what I REALLY want. Sara told me he is not offering me anything I am interested in. Liz said it was pitiful that a 50 year old man couldn’t figure it out and have a little more humility. Mark said that he definitely wants me in his life, but his rules don’t mesh with mine. Another Mark would say Life and love are not for the weak. So I am getting a ton of support.

Here is what else I am doing:

I am congratulating myself on making a courageous decison that was not easy, but will help bring the man who wants to be exclusive to me. These decisions to love ourselves and not accept unacceptable behavior are difficult. But our hearts and our children need us to make them anyway… And, they bring us closer to God’s plan for us.

I am listening to sermons about God bringing light and purpose to our lives, sticking with us through thick and thin, and loving us no matter what happens by my friend Mark whose wife is suffering from a debilitating illness that is tearing apart his college sweetheart’s mental stability and his family. This illness will take her over the course of decades, and yet he can deliver these hopeful and faithful sermons about the depth of God’s love for us. I just heard him say “God is in the darkness, God is in the Light, and in the Fear. He is in the unexpected places of our lives”. Let me know if you want a link to these sermons.

I am envisioning a beautiful bouquet of flowers inside of me- with lots of light blue delphiniums, yellow sunflowers, pink wild roses, red Indian paintbrush, orange globemallows, and many more. This bouquet is gorgeous; it is springing into bloom, with little buds and bursting petals. Raining down on this bouquet is God’s golden Light, filling up my arms, legs, shoulders, and fingernails even, with this radiant Light that gives me energy, love, and blessings. When I get anxious, I focus on the exact flower species…

I am praying a lot and asking God to hold my hand and hug me through all of this, to lead me and give me wisdom, help me to learn from this, and oh yeah, if it is your will God, bring me my divine right partner- the one with the big heart and nice biceps too.

Somehow, this morning, I was able to be present with my children at breakfast, was the kind thoughtful mom I want to be, rather than the depressed, sad, immobilized mom I was afraid would show up this morning.

The rage and argument in my head against Goober and his actions has quieted down. I am not cussing him out in my mind as often as I did yesterday when he had the stupidity to come by my office to ask a work question. Glimpsing him in the office anhour ago was NOT heartbreaking. I would rather be writing a blog to you about how my boyfriend has surprized me with amazing plans for Valentine’s Day. But that is not the case. Instead, I am sharing with you how I fell into the sun, but am surviving big disappointment.

We are all bouquets of buds and blooms. Let’s make the tough decisions and let the Light in. I hope to write again soon, to let you know this spiralling upward has continued.