Transgressions, Pikes Peak, and the Lyrics

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:12

If God has already forgiven me my sins, and God is a little brighter than I am, why in the world do I not forgive myself my sins?

I was thinking the other early morning about how much I wanted someone special from my past to forgive me for some specific errors I made in our relationship. You know what came next: I felt awful, unworthy, and pretty stupid. Then, like a mud slide, other mistakes and other people came slipping in to the picture and I had a mountain of regret to get past just to find my toothbrush.

In response, I did the most natural thing. I ran 5 miles while berating myself for being “so stupid”, for not thinking things through clearly enough, for being distracted, for prioritizing incorrectly, for saying things without thinking, for hurting feelings, for not showing up wiht love… The mountain had turned to Pikes Peak and I had to free-climb it to get to the kitchen for breakfast. This made breathing difficult while pouring cereal for the kids.

Finally, I remembered… I ran back to my room, got on my knees, and loudly asked God to PLEASE SHOW UP and HELP ME OUT HERE! I am not always kind and courteous to God…

Next, I muddled through the hours and let them pass in a daze of half-belief in the Help on its way. A few hours later, it dawned on me- that guy was not the problem, and my specific mistakes were not the problem. I am a human, I have human qualities, and I need to accept that and work to genuinely learn from them so I don’t repeat them. But- it doesn’t matter what the guy from my past thinks of me. God already forgave me when I asked months ago, and I am in my own way. Really now all I needed to do was forgive myself and…

And what?! Forgiving ourselves is the hardest piece! So, that is where I am now, praying that God will help me to forgive myself. Every now and then I feel waves of forgiveness. Then, I pick up the “Anne is Crappy” banner and the wave of self-love seems rather thin and filmy. I will keep at it.

God- I am human, I made mistakes with the guy. Please help me to forgive myself those mistakes, learn from them, and move forward to better behavior. Please help me to love myself the way you love me. I AM worthy of my own forgiveness. Thanks for being here in this ugly place with me. Do for me what I can not do for myself.

Then, I think about how far the east is from the west and what a shining jewel of a gift that is.

Casting Crowns: East to West

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

From one scarred hand to the other