Surrendering My Heart

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The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

James 5:11

Disappointment can feel overwhelming to busy single parents with no one to spell them (or to busy parents who don’t spell each other). I sometimes find myself unable to process emotions or interactions when I am in the middle of the whirlwind of work-kids-laundry-food-house and no compassionate partner to give me space or time to bounce ideas off of.

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There are days I miss human interactions so much I can feel my skin weighing too heavily on my bones. My eyelids are too big, my shoulders cannot hold up my arms, my feet are the size of tables. I cannot keep on wading them through, getting to the next place I am supposed to be. Too much is surrounding me and I cannot get there. I work with wonderful adults, and have a few great friends at work. But a partner in my home, in my heart right here is what I am disappointed to be missing.

Just as I sit to journal and get to the crux of the issue, a child shows up needing clean shorts. I am processing my relationship ending and how it relates to my dad (and probably 12 other overly analytical topics), and he wants clothes?! I have no idea where his favorite blue shorts are. And I want to crawl under my bed in fear of never having a healthy romantic relationship again. But I must stand up, realize the milk is gone, the bread for toast is dwindling, and cheerios are gone too. There goes my dinner “plan”! Also, the mountain of dirty laundry is blocking me from the kitchen.

I have no idea how to get through the next moments, much less hours, days, or the dreaded HOLIDAYS without that partner I had such high hopes for sharing life with, without inspiration for dinner and groceries and clean clothes. How will I ever get these tables for feet to Christmas shop and sing songs and these dreadfully heavy arms to make a turkey?!? All I can do is get on my knees and say “God of compassion and mercy, I need grace and mercy today. Right now please? Do for me what I cannot do for myself. I know that is a lot to ask God, because I am not doing such a hot job here. I am begging you to give me mercy and sunshine God”. Then I hold my hands up and open and say “God- I give you my disappointment, sadness and fear. Please (please please) give me courage for the shorts, the dinner, work tomorrow, and to trust in love again. I surrender my heart to you and your plan for me. “

The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
James 5:11

I am not pitiful. I am just honestly going to the source, as quickly as possible to improve my disability- the brain that fears is my biggest one… I don’t want to GET better, I want to BE better. I don’t wanna wait and have 10 pity parties of unproductive actions. I just want to cut to the chase and ask God to work his miracles on me.

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