I decided to choose peace as my word for the day. It seemed innocuous. I journaled, prayed and meditated on manifesting peace in my heart, mind, and soul when I got out of bed. I had no idea what I was in for with that request! Everything before noon was an indignated fight. AND I cried 3 times before lunch. You have ahd this kind of day…
6:13 a.m. – Got mad at the dog for having to stop and pee on our run together. I was feeling fat and he was ruining my cardio workout.
7:11 a.m. – Lectured my kids ceaselessly about the messages and ideas we allow into our brains when we listen to stupid music with terrible messages in their lyrics. He rolled his eyes and left the room so I walked and talked, actually following him. I recall I said something like “Life is hard enough already without that crap streaming in to your mind!” I am impressed he only rolled his eyes at that one. The irony of the situation was completely lost on me.
7:23 a.m.-The drop off lane. As usual, got riled up. This is a place where I could regularly practice zen/anger management, but not that day… The woman in the mini -van who dropped her kid off 20 feet north of the actual drop zone messes it up for everyone behind her. Does she not even realize the disorder she initiates?!
7:57 a.m. – Received an email from my project boss with three carefully outlined points I need to improve upon. I was mortified. So, I complained to a coworker about HIS attitude. Then I walked around the office, did laps actually, avoiding the boss’ office and looking for others to complain to. I was losing years of maturity by the very minute. I couldn’t find anyone.
9:13 a.m. – Decided I needed to talk to my manager (a different guy) and tell him straight up “I will never have the work ethic they want from me because the whole set-up is crazy in our business, and I can’t do this any more”. I started crying upon entering his office (Cry #1). I am not sure what I actually said. It is all a bit hazy. I got a pat on the back, telling me I’m a good worker and it is ok; I can do what the project boss is asking for. Somehow, I stood up and left before I could do more damage. I am so lucky that man has a wife with hormones.
10:57 a.m. – I asked God for Peace, not “a piece of everyone I come in contact with”. We must have gotten our wires crossed because I was entering the maturity zone of a toddler very soon at that rate. “Um, God, could you please help me have and give and live in Peace today? Right now would be best for everyone”. I talked to a different coworker, tried to tell her thank you for being a good friend and Cry #2 erupted.
11:45 a.m. – Time to vacate. Way past time! I went to spinning class, asked God if I was doing ok by His standards (because I was doing really shitty by mine). Heard a definite “Yes, I love you; you are doing better than fine”. Cry #3. Felt much better. Not peaceful, no waterfalls of serenity rained down on me, and the heavens didn’t open up revealing the perfect companion I have always wanted. But I felt a little less like a rabid hamster pushing a boulder up Pikes Peak while chewing her toes off at the same time.
Pedaled my butt off and promised myself I would sit mutely in my office chair and work hard the rest of the day and not make a peep, to anyone, no matter how much I thought I was right and they were oh so wrong.
I think my brain and body wants Peace, but I had/have to work something out first. I had to check and see if I was worthy of Peace. And I have to repeatedly recommit to pleasing God, not society or my fake pictures of what I should be as a woman, a mom, a worker, a friend. This is a followup on the blog I wrote here: https://3leggedtable.wordpress.com/2011/02/24/gold-star-flakes-for-the-goldfish/
Living peacefully- what would that mean to you? How would you find Peace for you? What do you need to struggle and tantrum against to get there? Are you ready for Peace? Are you ready to follow the directions to get there?