I Don’t Think Being a Spaz Counts as Flirting

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I don’t think being a spaz counts as flirting. But I don’t know how to do anything else today.

I have “sort of” a date with Cute Guy from the office today. We are “sort of” having lunch. A late lunch, because we both have kid duties after school, and the premise is a drink. But nothing solid is planned. So I “sort of” woke up at 4 am, wide-eyed, remembering immediately that I am supposed to be light, and carefree, and talk only of superficial soulful things, whatever the Hell that is. Sara told me yesterday that is best, and to be flirty and just “have fun”. “WHAT?!”

I have forgotten how to flirt. I am trying not to count the months since I last had a date, trying to remember that I am an attractive, smart, interesting woman with nice legs. But then I remember that I have to work 8 hours before this lunch, and I have a meeting at 1, so Spaz-Girl wonders if 2 or 2:30 counts as late lunch. We didn’t really plan a specific time or place or plan… There was more mumbling than planning.

Then the Crazy Girl steps in and says “Oh, he will probably blow you off anyway, so you better blow him off first”. Then Spaz Girl chimes in “Maybe you should go running right now? How about some caffeine? Is there any laundry to do? Does the dog need a bath? You have 2 hours until kids wake up. You could bake a pie”.

Zen girl steps up and says, “Maybe a little meditation? Read the Bible? Read that boring book about travelling in India and take a nap!”

Spaz Girl: “I could call SG, she was on Match for months and remembers how to date, except that she is a blog friend, and lives in Great Britain, maybe, I can’t really tell where she lives, actually I don’t even know her name, so I cannot call her. Maybe Struggling Dad could tell me what to wear today- something soft so he will touch my shoulder or back and like it and want to touch me more. But I of course have no idea where that blogger friend lives either. I think he is Australian? Oh my God, what if Cute Guy and I have nothing to say to each other and just stare like 2 deer caught in headlights?” Sandy is laughing now and wants to call me (call!).

Mark would be laughing too, telling me “You are fine, just enjoy, smile a lot, let him look into your pretty brown eyes”. All Spaz Girl can reply is, “Oh my God, I need a couple of drinks if you want me to make eye contact. How old am I? Way too old to act like this…” So Crazy Girl decided to write a blog, imagining your comments and answers. Melissa would quietly cheer me on. Liz would cheer me on very loudly, with LOTS OF CAPS, thankfully. Delia would send me some awesome energy. But, I am still hyperventilating, and you won’t read this until Saturday, when it is all over, because there is some mysterious lag time. It takes a day for things to show up in your subscription box.

“Agh” Crazy Girl insists I am alone, and stupid for doing this. I work in the same office with him. What if it is a disaster? Bhanu would insist nothing is a disaster; it is all a learning experience.

So many topics are off limits- nothing serious, Sara said… No divorce talk, no kid talk, no work talk, no politics talk, no religion talk, no energy talk, no money talk (ever, she claims), no boss talk. So what does that leave? Skiing, dogs, snow, and vacations (or does that qualify as money/work talk?)

I have to think positive, light, he is just a friend, I am enjoying adult company, we have a lot in common to talk about… So I will focus on breathing, pray that God will remind me how to flirt (If it is His will for me; Oh Crap- it better be His will!), run with the dog, focus on work, turn this over to God, and stay away from garlic and onions.

There better not be any kissing, hugging, or implications of it (although I have only been fantasizing about such). That would flip me out completely. It is 4:52 am, is it too early for a shot of vodka? (Just kidding. I know, “Don’t drink too much and say something stupid! Liz and SG would say”).

You are all going to have to come with me and hide in the bathroom.

19 comments

    1. Of course, Bhanu… you are always wise with me and help me to see the upside of seemingly disastrous experiences!

  1. Re: “A fabulous plan, I will wear my new sweater, and bring a nice bottle of wine to share πŸ™‚ ”

    That’s one in … we just have to talk Surrey Gal into getting on a plane too.

    And here’s where it all falls apart. The TSA won’t let you bring wine on a plane. SG will be busy. If you do bring a sweater, at this time of year, you’ll be “hot to see me” but alas that will just be because it’s still very warm and your fainting won’t be a cute feminine wile, but a clinical issue.

    Doesn’t it suck when the real world intrudes on perfectly good moments of freedom and fun?

  2. First…I discovered (after someone else told me) that there is a setting that allows the “Reply” option to be nested up to 10 deep so a discussion flow can be maintained more easily (in cases like this). I believe it is: Dashboard -> Settings -> Discussion -> “Enable threaded (nested) comments *** levels deep” with a default of 2.

    Second…it’s funny you go all that way to find he’s not there (unless he’s going to extreme lengths to hide from you!!). As you move from referring to the pear as “juicy” to “moist” you know you’re crossing some lines, right? πŸ™‚ At some point, just stop chatting and wait until he gets back (I don’t mean ignore him if he makes repeated contact). He’ll appreciate the wait for the follow-up…

    1. Yeah, you are right, SDad.  It is time to sit back a little and write blog entries to ease the anxiety : ).  Thanks for visiting and commenting.  I honestly do really enjoy the back and forth with you and SGal.  I think we should go out for a drink sometime soon! : ) haha

      1. I’m not totally sure on our relative locations, but I think you’re a bunch of time zones to the west of me, and SG is just a few countries to the north-east.

        So, since I’m in the middle, we’ll meet at my house then? The girls would love to cook. I’ll provide the drinks. Or, as you suggest, we can drift down to the local wine bar. πŸ™‚

        Ha…if only it were that simple!

    2. ok, I set it to 10 levels deep. But I realized I needed to write a new blog to start a new discussion topic- Hmmm, it sounds like it is all about me now. I guess it is!! haha. I will visit your blog and leave all kinds of nice comments. πŸ™‚

  3. You are sooo funny!!! πŸ˜€
    What is spaz???
    I’m probably too late for any advice, so I can only say I’m hoping it went well. I’m sure you were yourself, you had a drink or two to be yourself a bit more, and you charmed him tremendously!!
    And even if not, treat it as a good practice for next time with somebody even cuter πŸ™‚ xxxx

    1. Thanks for reading and realizing it was (mostly) tongue in cheek and exaggerated. “Spaz” means hyper, a little crazed, too focused, and the like.

      I had a totally fabulous time, only one (large) margarita; but it was very easy to be myself and we laughed and talked a lot about skiing and yes, dogs. I was able to stay away from all the dangerous topics and gently steered things away from work when we got on it for a little bit.

      But now nothing! I am trying to stay relaxed about it… I think I need to get the muster up to initiate a conversation with him, which means I have to walk about 1/2 mile down a hallway towards his office, where I have no business but will try to fake it anyway tomorrow… OR- I will just consider it practice for teh Cuter Guy. :)) xxx Sweet SG

      1. Stop spazing πŸ™‚ and go there to tell him that you had really nice time. I think he may play this three day rule (at least that’s what it was when I was dating before, over 10 years ago!!!), where he doesn’t want to appear too eager. Be above it and just go with a nice smile, tell him you had really fun time and just wanted to tell him that. πŸ™‚
        And I’m glad it went so well πŸ™‚

      2. Surrey Gal has the right idea; he might be trying not to appear too eager. Wait for a day or two and see if be comes to see you.

        Also, who wants to go from zero to full speed…it’s more likely to become a long-term thing if the two of you ease into it over time.

      3. ok, I walked the (seemingly) 10 miles down to his office last week, nervous the whole way, had to practice Lamaze breathing, and HA! He was on vacation. So I left him a pear and emailed him, threatening all of his reports with moldy pear if he stayed on vacation too long. He seemed to think it was funny becasue he responded. Now, I am listening and reminding myself of what SDad said “Who wants anything fast?!” We have emailed twice now about the pear and how delicious and juicy it was, and how life should be just like that (Call me Ms. Speedy, but I had to move us toward something with sexual conotations…) It seems he is interested, but… (there is always that but, huh? πŸ™‚ )

  4. There’s a TINY chance that you are over-thinking this, you know… πŸ™‚

    Just go and have a relaxing time. Be yourself. After all, if anything ever happens between you, that’s the person you’ll be anyway. But be closer to the Zen version of yourself. Maybe “Spaz Girl” can stay behind for this one; she can show up some other time.

    1. β€œTINY”? I knew it was gargantuan when I didn’t know what to do with myself at 4:30 am… I feel much better now after writing my story. I will leave Spaz Girl in the bathrooom with you all. At the last minute, I decided to wear my purple flip flops instead of my high heels, so I think Zen Girl is lurking around.

    1. Writing this post was tremendously good therapy. I relaxed quite a bit by the end, and focused more on the story than my spaz nature. It will be fun; Zen Girl is on board…

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